Overthunk

With any foray into a new work environment comes the gentle unraveling of the convoluted idiosyncrasies of every child of God with whom you interact. This year, I've moved to a new school, and it is so much more wonderful than I could've imagined in my old beat-dog place (as long as you don't mind slaving like an oarsman on a Viking longboat... but I guess if I did, I wouldn't have taken this job). With the exception of a few moments of stickiness with the assemblage of custodians over pencil shavings left by the 29, yes TWENTY-NINE, children I'm educating, everyone's been completely cordial. So much so, that it caused me to have to confront one of my own quirks: I'm not a name person. After about week two, I had met most everyone and remembered virtually no names. In an effort to help me, a charismatic teacher down the hall, by way of showing me how to better learn people's names, used mine every time she saw me: "Hello, V!" "I know...

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"Well, I've lost 2 pounds," the still fat woman said. "Yeah, but the booze doesn't help," the smoker said. In recent days, I have come to realize in vivid detail that we, each and every one of us, is preaching our own version of the gospel. Though we never want to listen to anyone else's truth, as they are not us and "don't understand," this doesn't stop us from slathering and blathering our own revealed prophecies to anyone who will listen. Over and over again it happens - one lady stops another in the grocery store to tout the virtues of St. Ives hand lotion, I overhear someone thinking aloud about their next auto purchase and jump in, shouting emphatically, "Don't buy a Kia. I mean, do what you want, but I have a friend who has one and they're replacing the engine to the tune of $3700.00 less than a year later. Toyota, good. Honda, good." Stepping back later, I was slightly aghast: why did I launch into a diatribe t...

Before you watch this, know two things: 1) I go to Denny's on a semiregular basis (although I like Waffle House more), and 2) I fit many of these descriptions. I still LOL'ed. Hope you do too! Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Here green, there green, everywhere a green green. I have nothing against environmentalism; in fact, I was a tie dye shirt making proponent of Earth Day way back in the early '90's. But if we want to be truly green, to go beyond the continual lip service of everything and everyone from the presidents of nations to the label on the last shampoo bottle or pack of chocolate pudding you purchased, we must become devotees of the ultimate, Supreme Being-sponsored form of recycling: reincarnation. After all, if a toilet paper tube can be reformed from what's left and made into the parchment upon which the next great American novel is penned or upon which the photographic second coming of eighties fashion is printed, how much more can the gossamer silk of your immortal soul be carefully placed into the reincarnation bin by some cosmically conscious creator, and spun anew into something superficially more or less than it is now, and yet still with a purpose and a place? ------------...

Can a man eat 50 Cadbury eggs? This video answers that question, Old West Style. Oh, and hope y'all had a fun one! Cool Hand Easter - watch more funny videos

He wants this match started! Ram Man Johnny Evans standing guard on the outside of the ring, TJ the Bull hasAND THEN THEY GO! AND THEN THEY GO! They're goin' right back at it! They're all hitting the ring again! They're all in the ring once more! Everybody's in the ring; it's mayhem, once more! Oh my God I can't believe this; this is incredible! Soul Man Alex G! Beating on Prime Time Daryl D! Samurai Kid getting the worst... of the situation from the Miser! Bobby Wales getting beat on by TJ the Bull Jackson! Biiiiig Baack Body Drop! Unbelievable! Big Back Body Drop! The Soul Man sending Prime Time Daryl D for a ride! And they’re takin’ it to the outside! Ram Man working over the Miser! Power Press Slam! OHHH LORRRD! OH MY GOD! TJ The Bull Jackson with the bull rope! And Ram Man, they’re goin’ at it! OHHH! He takes that bull-k… that cowbell right across the head! OHHHHHHH he takes that cowbell right across the head once more! Samurai Kid gets a cowbell! Bobb...

This week, I had the week off, so I decided to visit a nearby state for a couple of days, namely Arkansas, to spend some time in nature. Mais oui , I took off complete with a half-eaten sack of bridge mix in my purse, but without any new batteries for the camera. Well, since we were in the cradle of American capitalism - the home state of Wal-Mart - we had no problem finding a local Supercenter at which to purchase $1.00 green pants and sweaters as well as the needed batteries. Well, what do I do? I at first find a $6.58 pack of Duracells, which I spurn for a 94 cent, yes, 94 cent, package of Ray O Vac HEAVY DUTY, yes, HEAVY DUTY, double As. It turns out that Arkansas, besides being the home state of Sam Walton's deviltry and razorbacks, is pretty damn beautiful in its mountainous regions, with quaint creeks flowing down into tiny valleys around every bend. Athough we were using the GPS, we manage to still get ourselves lost en route to a mountain town in which we were traveling to...

In my chosen field, I'm usually the one doling out the vocabulary lessons, but this time I'm getting one. "From where?" you may ask, and I would respond, "From the unlikeliest of places -- a fantasy novel!" You see, I have just begun a series new to me, that of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever, by Stephen R. Donaldson (that's him over there). It's a 32-year-old series, from the first volume at least, and rather good so far! Covenant is a leper who finds himself the unlikely messiah in a magical land... that's about all I can tell you, as I've only made it to chapter six. Below is a list of the new words I've had to look up. I discovered as a result of Thomas that I don't think I own a paper dictionary anymore, and I kind of wish I did, so I wouldn't have to keep getting up from my comfy chair to look things up on dictionary.com. Anyway, the list: 1) picar - weapon (Spanish) -- This wasn't even in the damn dic...

My obsession of the month is Queens of the Stone Age. I have owned their record "Songs for the Deaf" for some time, but I just recently put it on during a long drive alone, which gave me the time to process it in depth. Now I cannot stop listening to it. In particular is the dusky jewel, "Mosquito Song." It's the last and hidden track. So lovely, full of acoustic guitar, strings, horns, accordion, and an epic finish. Take a listen here . I tried to embed the Youtube video (linked above), which by the way is just from some random game, without success. The images are unimportant. Close your eyes, open your mind, and listen. Read the deliciously dark lyrics below. Cheers! ----------------------- I know, I know the sun is hot Mosquitos come, and suck your blood Leave you there all alone Just skin and bone When you walk among the trees Listening to the leaves The further I go the less I know The less I know Where will you run? Where will you hide? Lullabies to para...

O Garnier Lisa Thy slightly bemused face shines out From under gently cocooning flatironed tresses Of Macadamia # 90 Without thy cornflower blue eyes And thy Nearly Nude lips apainted How would I find the searing chemicals I require To make my own locks this Light Natural Blonde Not too light yet not too dark Among the myriad types at Walgreen's Or at CVS? Truly, I pray, N'er shall come the day When Garnier finds you too 2006 And updates yours To some other visage, strange and unfamiliar Causing me to hunt and scrabble, dark roots overlong, Perhaps finding nothing. ------------------------------- p.s. I have so missed you all. I have been sucked into the dark, yet delicious underworld of the MMORPG, job changes, and finishing up a master's degree. They have sapped me, yet I hope to restore my blogging work to its former glory soon (probably not much of a stretch....). Kisses!

I don't know what the best way to commemorate this day is, other than to retell the way it affected our lives, which I did here . I was blessed to stay here in the best place on earth on that day. Some were not. I honor them today.

And, more importantly, is she a dominatrix? What do y'all think? ----------------------------------- Mistress Muse Whenever I fail to revise or begin The tang of her leather falls across my skin Whenever I succumb to procrastination She provides me with vexing inspiration Repeated lessons in being humble Smart yet again as I continue to bumble Shuffling my way across this earth She delights in the torture of excessive girth As dogs eat dogs and barracudas shred Creative thoughts flow through my head To gain new power the antiquated hag Shoves down my throat introversion’s gag An abyss of deep feeling imprisons me Chained among careless society My heart’s lifeblood flowing down to the floor She ties my feet in my mouth and slams the door If of seeing the sun I begin to dream She lassos round my self-esteem She won’t permit a lick of pride Preferring my tongue on her heeled boot’s stride Though I might be gifted on one side of the score There’s a downside that amuses that sadistic wh...

SCENE: Standing in line at Walgreen's with a Take Five candy bar and a box of Garnier Nutrisse Hair Color, Macadamia #90, in my hands, behind a lady who had only a magazine. PLAYERS: Cashier, The Lady In Front of Me, Me (As the scene opens, Cashier rings up the magazine...) CASHIER: Ok, one magazine (patronizingly)... Can I interest you in a Snickers bar today? TLIFOM: Umm, well ok, I guess. I'm going to the hospital. (She takes 3 Snickers bars from the Cashier.) CASHIER: Great, because when you're hungry, why wait? ME: (stifled, unbelieving snickers) (not the candy bar, the giggles) CASHIER: (eyes me with slightly slitted eyes, addresses TLIFOM) Thank you, come back. CASHIER: (to me) Hi, how's it going? (rings up candy bar and hair color) Can I interest you in a Snickers bar today? ME: No. -------------------------- "We are now accepting callers for these beautiful pendant keychains." -- J. McCrea, et. al.

The year was probably 1983. I, a 13-year-old rocker (or "freak" as we were known at my place of schooling), with frosted hair combed and sprayed into wings and a quarter inch of black liner beneath each eye, shuffled through the Target checkout line after my mom, who was likely slightly blitzed at the time. She paid for her stuff and I somewhat boldly but with no small amount of trepidation placed Ozzy Osbourne's "Diary of a Madman" LP (shown) onto the familiar red counter, fully prepared to pay all my week's babysitting wages for the thing. The checkout girl, who was probably only a few years older than me but considerably more mainstream in her level of conformity gawked at the tattered, blood-spattered Englishman on the cover, then at me, then at my mom, all in disgust. A sense of delicious rebellion flooded through me, multiplying with every second she disliked the album, and myself for buying it. A short time later, my father (who may well have been on ...

The Official Song of the 2008 Olympics: Welcome to Beijing -- Please Ignore the Communism. My apologies for reposting, Bride of Porkins, but it's just too perfect. Be on the lookout for Jackie Chan.

Yesterday I was attending a women's expo. I was dressed nicely, in a fuschia Lane Bryant work top, ruched at strategic points, with cute, short black skirt. I even had my dollar store hair clip updo rocking, and was hustling and bustling around in a couple of different capacities, professional and personal. As I re-enter the exhibit hall, an Asian lady at the acupuncture booth forces the pictured flyer into my hand, though I was walking at a speed calculated to deter flyers being given to me. A bit later, I was looking around at a jewelry booth, and saw some bracelets that I thought my (thin) sister would like. The saleslady quickly pointed out the extended size bracelets to me, though, in case the regular sized ones didn't fit (which generally, they do). People who aren't fat do not have any clue how persistent, how pervasive, the consciousness of your own size is in the life of people who are. I suppose I should forgive them for that, as well as their bold attempts to hel...

Snapped outside Wal-Mart as I hopped out of my hippie-ass Prius...

Greetings, blogpals. I hope your summer's going as swimmingly (read: drinkingly, online gamingly) as mine is. I have just returned (again) from the desert, my second summer in a row to visit the Sonoran Desert , possibly the Largest Desert in North America and home to seventeen aboriginal American cultures (yep, I wiki'ed it), among them the Anasazi, who apparently ran around mostly nekkid (according to the film I saw). Anyway, it was my first foray into this hot, dry state, so I present you with a review. It's not balanced nor fair, since I didn't visit every square mile, but I did hit some of the high points and it is written in the hit and run style that we love so much today. **NOTE: Some "pissy" things are not the fault of the state of Arizona, but they were pissy nonetheless. THE GRAND CANYON Happy! -Frickin awesome big hole in the ground -Majestic -Watching an IMAX movie before you get there so you know what you're actually looking at -Breathtaking...