Overthunk

Swelled cans... it's more than just the highly anticipated effect of a bust enhancement cream.* It could be a life-threatening bacterial invasion of your earthly flesh. It could be... BOTULISM!! Why am I providing this public service messsage? You see, kids, in high school, I was in Honors Biology. I had a teacher (possibly even a lesbian now that I think back on her button down men's oxford shirts, utter lack of makeup or a purse, cords, and short 'n fringy haircut even in the Big Dallas Hair era of the '80s). She went by the name of Ms. McFarland (names have been changed to protect the scientific). She had one class rule: respect. So anyway, she taught us that we should always be on the lookout for swelled or dented cans, because they could be harboring seething hordes of BOTulism!!! We needed to worry about this because botulism causes a horrible death, you see, paralyzing bits of you until you die of death. A fatal dose of this powerful nerve toxin is ONE MICROGRAM,...

Didja ever... ...get fired after one day of being a shitty telemarketer by a manager with B.O.? ...hide all the knives in the house so you wouldn't be killed in the night by someone you were sitting for? ...rend your own flesh asunder by gnawing? ...wrestle a hulking autistic girl to keep her from banging her head repeatedly on the wall? ...somersault gently from a crushed hulk of a vehicle into the warm, summer Arkansas grass? ...walk home, stoned and alone? ...get a whole barful of drunk college kids rocking out to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me," then kiss a stranger upon leaving the stage? ...tramp through a Louisiana cornfield where bits of hay eerily whirled high into the air and where bears had recently been seen? ...spend most of an autumn day reading in an old horse trailer? ...listen to a schizophrenic grandma argue with people you can't see? ...start a paper cup fight of epic proportions at a now-defunct outdoor music festival? ...confiscate $600....