It's All About Me, 62-83
:: Approaching the mike, I pause for applause. As the waves of accolades roll in, I smile and raise my hands... ::
"Please, please... I know you are all ready for the next installment of this popular feature, so without further ado, I give you... THING 62!!!"
:: And the crowd goes wild. ::
62. I have a vivid imagination, such that I can't watch many scary movies or read horrible news stories, because I will be recreating horrifying scenes later when I am home alone in the dark.
For example, this movie scared me. For days. Aliens behind corners. And it was pretty lame.
63. I am spatially challenged. My former roommates used to laugh at me because from their room they would periodically hear, !!WUMP!! "Fuck!" in the middle of the night. That was the sound of me running into the wall or the bathroom door. But I also whack my little toe or arm on the doorknob when I'm not half asleep. And I always leave a love dent on every car I own.
64. I listen to new CDs or songs over and over. And over and over.
65. The last CD I bought was Nine Inch Nails' "With Teeth."
66. I just paid $1,921.00 for 2 classes. I have to take 10 more. Did I forget I was poor?
67. I recently performed highly successful homegrown French Manicure fu on my own nails, thereby saving $22 or so.
68. Again with the spatial retardation: My direction sense is about as good as a compass that's been passed through a wood chipper, baked into a pie, and transmuted to another galaxy. If I went there once, I never went there. And even if I went there 10 times, if it's been more than 3 weeks, I never went there. I just don't know how to get there. This is among the things I hate about myself most, because it is a continual, lifelong annoyance.
69. So get GPS, you suggest. But I'm slightly paranoid, so GPS creeps me out.
70. I have read at least 15 books this year, probably more.
71. I have this uncanny ability to predict trends before they happen, but have never been able to harness this for material gain. One year, all I wanted was some silver nail polish. I searched everywhere, to no avail. Now it's everywhere.
72. Right this second, I am jamming out to "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.
73. I am crazy in love with stripes. If something has stripes, it attracts my attention.
74. I have a striped shower curtain, and probably at least 10 shirts with stripes.
75. My other craze is bags, shoes, or wallets, etc. with contrasting stitching. Which is just sort of a variant of stripes.
76. I also love squares. Square cut gems on rings, square watch faces, square plates, squares stitched on my comforter, squares on my checks. You could say I'm a square girl.
77. If someone invented a square purse with stripes and contrasting stitching, I would probably get the vapors and then knock people down in my frenzy to purchase it.
78. I refuse to wear cheap perfume. The stuff from France is preferable, thank you. My favorite? L'Occitane's Green Tea.
79. I look best in low cut, v-neck shirts.
80. I wear black pants or shorts and black shoes 95% of the time. No make that 99% on the shoes.
81. I think that 75% of the clothes available for purchase in stores looks like someone threw up and they made it into a garment. Where does puke yellow fabric with avocado green and red lilies come from to make into shirts? It must be stopped, I tell you. People are buying this!
83. Whataburger ketchup is my most beloved ketchup of all time. I will eat it straight if no one is looking.
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Have I told you (all of you) lately that I love you?
"Please, please... I know you are all ready for the next installment of this popular feature, so without further ado, I give you... THING 62!!!"
:: And the crowd goes wild. ::
62. I have a vivid imagination, such that I can't watch many scary movies or read horrible news stories, because I will be recreating horrifying scenes later when I am home alone in the dark.
For example, this movie scared me. For days. Aliens behind corners. And it was pretty lame.
63. I am spatially challenged. My former roommates used to laugh at me because from their room they would periodically hear, !!WUMP!! "Fuck!" in the middle of the night. That was the sound of me running into the wall or the bathroom door. But I also whack my little toe or arm on the doorknob when I'm not half asleep. And I always leave a love dent on every car I own.
64. I listen to new CDs or songs over and over. And over and over.
65. The last CD I bought was Nine Inch Nails' "With Teeth."
66. I just paid $1,921.00 for 2 classes. I have to take 10 more. Did I forget I was poor?
67. I recently performed highly successful homegrown French Manicure fu on my own nails, thereby saving $22 or so.
68. Again with the spatial retardation: My direction sense is about as good as a compass that's been passed through a wood chipper, baked into a pie, and transmuted to another galaxy. If I went there once, I never went there. And even if I went there 10 times, if it's been more than 3 weeks, I never went there. I just don't know how to get there. This is among the things I hate about myself most, because it is a continual, lifelong annoyance.
69. So get GPS, you suggest. But I'm slightly paranoid, so GPS creeps me out.
70. I have read at least 15 books this year, probably more.
71. I have this uncanny ability to predict trends before they happen, but have never been able to harness this for material gain. One year, all I wanted was some silver nail polish. I searched everywhere, to no avail. Now it's everywhere.
72. Right this second, I am jamming out to "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.
73. I am crazy in love with stripes. If something has stripes, it attracts my attention.
74. I have a striped shower curtain, and probably at least 10 shirts with stripes.
75. My other craze is bags, shoes, or wallets, etc. with contrasting stitching. Which is just sort of a variant of stripes.
76. I also love squares. Square cut gems on rings, square watch faces, square plates, squares stitched on my comforter, squares on my checks. You could say I'm a square girl.
77. If someone invented a square purse with stripes and contrasting stitching, I would probably get the vapors and then knock people down in my frenzy to purchase it.
78. I refuse to wear cheap perfume. The stuff from France is preferable, thank you. My favorite? L'Occitane's Green Tea.
79. I look best in low cut, v-neck shirts.
80. I wear black pants or shorts and black shoes 95% of the time. No make that 99% on the shoes.
81. I think that 75% of the clothes available for purchase in stores looks like someone threw up and they made it into a garment. Where does puke yellow fabric with avocado green and red lilies come from to make into shirts? It must be stopped, I tell you. People are buying this!
82. I seldom if ever wear blue jeans. They are hot, and I think they look fine on other people, just not on me.
83. Whataburger ketchup is my most beloved ketchup of all time. I will eat it straight if no one is looking.
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Have I told you (all of you) lately that I love you?
Comments
PS - I have a terrible habit of starting sentences with "but." Also, of starting sentences and never fin
Manion, I thought you were on vacation. I'll get around to it.
Aza, I do look good in low cut shirts, even though I am no braver than a 5 yr old in the face of a horror movie. I figure it evens out.
And I'm a scaredy cat too when it comes to horror movies. I usually stay away from them but if I happen to watch one, I'll sleep with the lights on for several days after.