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Showing posts from June, 2008

"And now, a message from the National Apple Institute..."

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"...Fuck Pears."

George Carlin is gone. I trained my comedic chops at the heels of this record (which was actually my brother's, but I played when he wasn't there to pound me). Some of its sweetly bitter sarcasm and incisive wit will remain lodged in my consciousness until I follow along into the great beyond.

May cynical cherubs fly thee to thy rest, sir.

The Urge to Destroy Goes Fizzzzzzzzz

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So, yeah -- baths? Not for me, really. I bought the $8.00 confection you see at left back in the winter months at Lush in that old bastion of Dallas snobbery, Northpark Center. It is a nearly baseball-sized bath fizzy deemed the "Champagne Supernova." Did I mention it was $8.00? I thought when I bought it that perhaps I would be able to use it twice. Let me tell you here and now, dear readers: I did not, and will not, have the strength. For when I embarked on the unraveling, the foaming away, of what seems a tiny, pink world clutched within my dragon's hand, I could not stop. (Hey, they started it, mentioning the superdestructive concept "supernova" in the thing's very name.) I could not put it aside and stop watching the particles of bicarbonate and scented oil dissolve into nothingness, staining the bathwater pink with its collective blood. I could not halt the staring as each folded fleck of what was sold as herbal additives but may just have been torn u…

Another Perspective on the Election...

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This is just a tiny sample of the hours of guffawing you will experience if you visit its origin, www.nataliedee.com.I was told that it was suspected by some that I had done it. I don't believe that, because Natalie is much funnier than me. Personally, I can't wait for the store to open, open, open. Check her out!!

Slurpee Science

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(I should change the name of this blog to "Confessions and Obsessions of a Food-Obsessed Fat Chick".... really I should.)

Ok never mind that people, it's summatime, summatime, sum, sum, summatime and I have got to lay on you the science of finding, dispensing, and drinking the purrfect Slurpee!

HUNTING -- In Search of Slurp

First off, if you are trying to get real Slurpee goodness at anywhere other than a 7-11 store, please.... see your way out of that sham distributing establishment posthaste. I say this in all seriousness. Drive to another state or board an airplane if needed, friend. Icee? Too airy. Chilly Willee? Too gritty. Slush Puppie? Too syrupy. No, if you really want to experience the cola-fueled tongue trip that IS Slurpee, you have to go for the real thing. Oh, and the flavor you want is COKE. Not Mountain Sweat Mop Water or Blueberry Bison Backwash. None of that.

JERKING -- Tougher than at the Junior Prom

You may think that, having found a 7-11 and made the deci…

A Trip to Big Lots

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Recently, I visited Big Lots, the shoddier, seedier cousin of the sadly departed K-Mart and elephant graveyard where discontinued merchandise goes to die. There I found freakish goods hailing from a variety of lands, and each revoltingly unappetizing in its own diverse fashion. Here's a sampling:
Oysters in Cottonseed Oil -- because nothing piques one's culinary delight quite like grayish fish flesh tinned in industrial lubricant.





Lemon Extract -- With 20% Vaseline added to reduce viscosity





Del Monte DILL -- Far too pale and estranged from their state of origin to serve such a function, at least these DILLS know the value of education and plan to attend jr. college.




Nutrisystem Nourish -- Eat oxymoron dogs, on the cheap!









Maggi Delicias de Pollo -- Or as I affectionately call it, bagga chickin maggit stuff.




Arkona Herring Fillets - As Opus knows, a little paprika sauce makes herring "pop."




Jelly Mints -- Hated at Grandma's house since 1853.




Conclusion? Big Lots -- Repo…

Wattamelon Part 1

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School let out this past week, and thus the summer has truly begun. (FUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.)



As a celebration of that, the first watermelon for personal use was purchased a few days ago, and I spent a chunk of the morning helping it slip its mortal coil so that I could devour it.

Despite its anemic appearance, it has the requisite hollow sound when tapped and tasted appropriately sweet (although it will likely not be a contender for Best Watermelon of the Summer). While shoveling it into my waiting cakehole, I thought it might be amusing to start writing about Crazy Summer Thingstm -- aka, things I only do because it's summertime. One of those things is eating watermelon after watermelon, just because I can.

Resolved, I shall begin tracking summer watermelon consumption in the following ways:
TNW - Total number of watermelons consumed aloneDN - Days Needed to consume each melon completelyWDR - Watermelon Deliciousness Rating (to include color, texture and sweetness)In …

It bores me.

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Left the drinkable yogurt on the sink today,
Came back from work and found bacilli astray.

ça m'ennuie.



Twista-haler sprayed powder 2 days later,
Lucky, pharma-girl was a considerate trader.

ça m'ennuie.

Check engine lite came on cuz the gas cap was loose,
Service open 'til 7 but only 5 for Prius.
Only 2 trained techs for that rarified bird,
Come back Saturday you hybrid drivin' nerd.

ça m'ennuie

Mind's all confuddled with the brand new pills,
My high blood pressure never gave me these ills.

ça m'ennuie

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"Last night what we talked about
It made so much sense
But now the haze has ascended
It don't make no sense anymore." -- Arctic Monkeys