Friday, June 13, 2008

Slurpee Science

(I should change the name of this blog to "Confessions and Obsessions of a Food-Obsessed Fat Chick".... really I should.)

Ok never mind that people, it's summatime, summatime, sum, sum, summatime and I have got to lay on you the science of finding, dispensing, and drinking the purrfect Slurpee!

HUNTING -- In Search of Slurp

First off, if you are trying to get real Slurpee goodness at anywhere other than a 7-11 store, please.... see your way out of that sham distributing establishment posthaste. I say this in all seriousness. Drive to another state or board an airplane if needed, friend. Icee? Too airy. Chilly Willee? Too gritty. Slush Puppie? Too syrupy. No, if you really want to experience the cola-fueled tongue trip that IS Slurpee, you have to go for the real thing. Oh, and the flavor you want is COKE. Not Mountain Sweat Mop Water or Blueberry Bison Backwash. None of that.

JERKING -- Tougher than at the Junior Prom

You may think that, having found a 7-11 and made the decision to stick with COKE flavor, that the rest is easy. Not so, padawan. You still have miles to go before you drink.

When you get inside the 7-11, you must slip past the entry door, tossing a quick "hi" to the person jockeying the register and who in possible likelihood is gawking at your pale, corn-fed American cleavage, forgetting this uncouthness so that you may adhere to the objective: frosty, sinus-freezing nirvana. You must brush past the paint-spattered construction man and the tobacco-stained midday hipster and the gruff, flannel-clad bearded guy and the upwardly mobile suburban yuptype ever so lightly, your gaze finally falling upon that row of churning cylinders. If no "out of order" sign or flashing red button (indicating an "unSlurpified" mixture) is seen, check "Obstacle 1" successfully off of your mental list.

The second step is to do a physical jerk check for Slurpee readiness yourself. Yes. It can happen. There can be premature Slurpage without any sign, without any flashing red indicator. It is horrifying, but fail to do the physical jerk check and end up with a glossy plastic cup filled with brown liquid and unmelded snowy stuff in the middle. This is Slurpee in its larval form -- not yet ready for consumption. Should you do the physical jerk check and find this disappointing mix spewing from the nozzle, walk away. Go a few blocks to another 7-11 ONLY if you have the spiritual endurance to face the possibility that, in the high summer, it might happen twice or thrice in the same day.
What is the physical jerk check? It is the act of stepping up to the machine, gripping the black-handled lever and slowly dispensing a dollop of Slurpee mixture before getting a cup. Watch the puddle -- if it turns from dark to the delicious caramel hue of a Coke-flavored snowball, then you may proceed. Grab a cup (bitch please, not the small or medium -- large or above!), slap on a domed top so that you can dispense an extra ounce or so of snowy perfection, line up the hole and jerk again, slowly, steadily, watching the -- how can it be! Coke that is snow! -- thick liquid fill the cup to the top, changing color as it goes. Fill almost to the top, leaving about a 1-inch gap (or no gap if you're willing to be seen standing in front of the Slurpee machine lapping up what gushes out). Stick in a long spoonstraw and you're ready to saddle up.
CONSUMING -- Kids, do not jar.
So after hustling to the counter, swiping your dirty lil' debit card as quickly as you can and pushing through the exit door, you are free to enjoy your Slurpee unfettered within the confines of your car, Weezer up at full force as you speed back to the main thoroughfare. But careful, son! Take small sips or experience what freezing to death feels like, only confined to the insides of your skull cavity. Once you get down to the midpoint, remove the cupola (ha,ha!) so that you can stir as you suck the liquid part out to reblend as you go. Alternatively, you can use the spoon end of the straw to scrape the tiny snowpeaks off and eat them free of cola flavor, or stir and stick it down into the Slurpee, placing your finger at the other open end so that you can raise up a column of snowy Coke into the air and drop it onto your tongue.

Yes, only a lifetime of Slurpee consumption can provide you with the ultimate experience. I have saved you that research. You're welcome.

THE PHYSICS -- How does Slurpee work?
Well, I don't know. It could be spun from dark forces. (If it is, I don't wanna know, because I'd be hard pressed to stop consuming them.)

TRICKING YOUR SLURP (only for advanced fans)

You will find that the addition of some impossibly salty or hot chip item will delight your brain with its incongruous flipping between frozen Coke and salty tongue rasping or frozen Coke and fiery, crispy, potato crunches. I recommend a nice '08 bag of Munchos or Cheetos Flamin' Hot Fries. In a pinch, Al Capp's Hot Fries can stand in, but they aren't nearly as lovely.
Follow my advice and icy goodness shall be seen upon your refreshed, hydrated visage.
Happy Slurpee Summer!
Out of gas
Out of road
Out of car, I don't know how I'm going to go
and I had a drink the other day
Opinions were like kittens I was giving them away -- Modest Mouse


Zen Wizard said...


Zen Wizard said...

My favorite "furriner."

Ari said...

ZW: Thanks for visiting and for the loan of your word! :) Love the new toon!

Amandarama said...

Slurpees give me the brain freeze.

Violet said...

Damn... I don't know that I've ever had a real Slurpee. I feel like I've been living a deprived life. On top of that, I feel like if I wanted to go get a Slurpee now, I'd never be able to remember the steps to do it right.

I'm such a loser.

random moments said...

Lol, this is so cute! So very true about the testing of the Slurpee spout - it ruins the whole drink if you happen to get some of that watered down who-knows-what in your cup!

Wigwam Jones said...

I need me some Slurpee action now, thanks.

Coke? Yes. But back in the day...

It was Coke and Cherry combined that lit my fire, after a hot summer on my bicycle, delivering copies of The Pekin Daily Times to the ungrateful masses, pedaling my ancient one-speed Schwinn as fast as it would go to elude dogs and get to that Slurpee.

Many do not know that the ICEE is the same thing (7-11 merely renamed it). When I was a lad, they were sold at local K-Marts, before K-Mart became the place leisure suits go to die. Now you can get the ICEE many places:

But nobody had better stare at my, er, cleavage. Corn-fed or not. Great googly-moogly.

Ari said...

Amanda: Me too, but I just sip them in granny fashion now and it works.

Violet: Really, it becomes habit once you do it 12,781 times.

RM: It does indeed. Every part of the process is important. :)

Wiggy: Me too. I haven't even gotten a Slurpee since writing this post, but I will soon. I used to mix cherry and coke too, but no more. I disagree about ICEE... I think it's different.

Lance Manion said...

This is an excellent story. I can't help but wonder, however, if it might have been improved by a lengthier description, perhaps with visual aids, of the pale, corn-fed cleavage.

Ari said...

LM: Well, Lance, you can wish in one hand....... ;)

Glad to hear from ya. Looking back on this tale, it seems a bit overwrought and exaggeratory. Sometimes I do that because I think its funny and sometimes no one agrees. ;)

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