Showing posts from September, 2006

CVS is wrong for that

Why it's still embarrassing to purchase products of a feminine nature after 20 years experience, I don't know, but sometimes it is.

I decide I don't want to navigate the perilous waters of Wal-Mart, so I'll stop at the drugstore (as it used to be called in the parlance of my youth), even though I KNOW a guy will be working the counter at 9:30 p.m.

I'm perusing the products, looking for my preferred species, and a Whitman's candy display is there on the end of the aisle, sparking a train of thoughts: "What the fuck is that doing there? Oh, no wonder I couldn't find it the last time I was looking for a last-minute gift -- it's here in this fucked up place, what kind of layout is that?"

Then it hit me: "WHOA, it's there because duhhhhh, it's the most expensive chocolate in the store and it's right here next to the pads and tampons!"

Stunned at this sexist display, I continue to shop, looking for other shit to buy to distract …

Totally stolen premise, ungulate finish

If you take one of those big ol' rubber bands and swallow it in an attempt to engineer a cut-rate lap band surgery... you might be a redneck.

Or you might just be that fat-addled and lacking of insurance.


p.s. Did you know that tapirs, even though they look like pigs with mini-elephant-trunks, are odd-toed ungulates, related to horses and rhinoceroses? They are said to eat dreams in some Asian countries, which could help me, because I've been having bad dreams lately. In specific, I awoke from a nap this afternoon with a fading remembrance of a big tray of deviled eggs, which I had apparently made. I hate deviled eggs. Conclusion: I need a pet tapir.

Mixed Bag

Although I can theoretically make up any new statement at any time like lemurs banging out Updike novels on word processors, I find myself saying the same things over and over and over. The dumb thing about this is I repeat stuff to people who know me intimately.

"I just can't deal with a militaristic management style."
"It has to be Hellmann's."
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me."
"I'd rather roll the dice."

I try not to, but I still do.

Wages the war
'Gainst being a confounded
Colossal bore.


Did you ever find yourself sad that a Little Debbie pumpkin cookie was gone?

Well, I just did.


p.s. Go out and find acoustic F*** It Up by Towers of London. Drink lots. Play it. Secret of universe inside.


With every breath, I thought I'd had too much.
With every breath I thought I'…