Thursday, April 06, 2006

Didja ever?

Didja ever...

...get fired after one day of being a shitty telemarketer by a manager with B.O.?

...hide all the knives in the house so you wouldn't be killed in the night by someone you were sitting for?

...rend your own flesh asunder by gnawing?

...wrestle a hulking autistic girl to keep her from banging her head repeatedly on the wall?

...somersault gently from a crushed hulk of a vehicle into the warm, summer Arkansas grass?

...walk home, stoned and alone?

...get a whole barful of drunk college kids rocking out to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me," then kiss a stranger upon leaving the stage?

...tramp through a Louisiana cornfield where bits of hay eerily whirled high into the air and where bears had recently been seen?

...spend most of an autumn day reading in an old horse trailer?

...listen to a schizophrenic grandma argue with people you can't see?

...start a paper cup fight of epic proportions at a now-defunct outdoor music festival?

...confiscate $600.00 cash from a kindergartener?

...trip on your home-sewn formal gown while crossing a stage at your high school boyfriend's prom?

...tell off, and nearly mace, a carful of high school boys?

...get ridiculed by a bunch of immature flautists?

...meet David Coverdale of Whitesnake, oblivious to how seductively he is saying "Hello, dear" in his deep-voiced British accent to your 15 year old self?

Well, didja??




14 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Well, I've walked home alone while DRUNK.

Ari said...

Sounds like maybe a sad story, LBB. :)

I forgot to mention the salient fact to this post, which is:

I have.

Lance Manion said...

Well, once. But those flautists shall taste my vengeance. Damn straight.

Trevor Record said...

1) No
2) No
3) Yes, if you count hangnails
4) No
5) No
6) Shhh... Yeah, many times.
7) Replace bar with BBQ, def leppard with scorpions, pour some sugar on me with "rock you like a hurricane"
8)Not in Louisiana, but in the park next to my parent's house.
9) No
10) I've listened to my senile granma mention about conversations with me that never happened.
11) No
12) No
13) No
14) Sort of but I'm guessing the cirumstances were different than yours.
15)No...
16) No, thankfully

Ari said...

Probably you can summon some monkeys from the abyss to do your bidding, Lance. That'll show them. Me, I just sobbed until I won their grudging pity.

Rock You Like A Hurricane will do nicely, Trevor. :)

Amandarama said...

A lot of those smack of having to pull an overnight shift at a residential "community". I did it a couple times when I started teaching. It's amazing how the restraint of an overly violent client can be cathartic.

Have I said too much? Oh, probably. Damn white wine.

But, as far as David Coverdale is concerned, you probably got off easy. After all, he's put it to Tawny Kittaen. I'm pretty sure that the only thing that leads to is waking up with some kind of mutant talking herpe.

Azathoth said...

Um.. for the most part no. And despit what the authorities want to believe nobody can prove differantly.

Oh and Lance, can I borrow those Abysss Monkeys?

Lance Manion said...

Sorry Azathoth, but no. Sure, they provide great vengeance, but that price of great poo flinging.

Trevor Record said...

Oh, also, I picked up some Updike from the library. A large book with all four "rabbit" books.

Ari said...

Yeah, Amanda, I used to work for the oh-so-politically-correctly-named Association for Retarded Citizens. I could write a book on all the things I learned (among them, how to restrain a raging autistic girl who has 5 or 6 inches of height on you). And you're probably spot on about Coverdale as well. The loopy grandma, however, was my own. I've never met anyone who could cook as well as her, though.

That's probably good, Aza, 'cause most of these activities I wouldn't recommend.

And I think Lance is scared that the Wicked Witch o' the West will find out he's subcontracting the flying abyss monkeys.

I am genuinely happy for you, Trevor. I hope you love them! I'm waiting for the third Rabbit book to arrive from some fly-by-night bookery off Amazon.com. In the meantime, I'm reading Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club), which is sick and twisted, even way beyond the film.

Dave Morris said...

I've confiscated lunch money from a kindergartner, but not since I was in 6th grade.

As for the rest, get out of my head!

Dr. T said...

didja ever have sex with two people within a half hour period?

didja ever stand around in a room talking with people while two other people openly had sex with each other?

didja ever have sex just because you were bored and had nothing else to do?

didja ever have sex 5 times in one day, and then stop because you were bored and wanted to do something else for a change?

Ari said...

Only you, Dr. T. Only you.

Dr. T said...

didja ever go over to someone's house/apartment just to have sex?

didja ever bring your dog when you went over someone's house to have sex?

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