Monday, March 21, 2005

Notice to Errant Pugs

Please, PLEASE, Errant Pugs:

You, all of you, must immediately cease and desist wandering into people's offices and farting indiscriminately, and then leaving, without so much as a lick on the toe or a snorty passing glance.

It's not nice, people having to work in Gaseous Pug-scented (new from Glade) air. I mean, really. Have a whit of couth, o wrinkly faced paragons of cute.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Satanism??? What the?!?

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.
Well, I'll be... but please, if I'm Buddhist, let me plaster pics of Siddhartha-style or even fat 'n' happy Buddhas on my walls. This one looks like somebody's gramma.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.


















Man, I think it says, "Thou shalt not be any percentage Satanist" somewhere in the Bible. I'm fucked.

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Fun With Personal Ads

(Warning! Adjust the gender of these recommendations as you see fit.)

Dateless? Bored? Lame?

Just need to see a sharp contrast between other's patheticness and your own to make yourself feel better?
Consult the personals!

STEP ONE: Browse.

Check "legit" sites like or Yahoo Personals, or, if you're just dirty-minded, more sex-oriented sites such as This alone will either result in amusement, slight disgust, or both.

STEP TWO: Ridicule.

In choosing a potential date, don't ask yourself those tedious, standard-issue questions like, "Does he have a sense of humor?" "Does he have a good job?" "Does he want children?"

Instead, use these infinitely more realistic queries:
  • Can I see myself blowing him?
  • Will he grow/shave facial hair at my request?
  • Does he play Dungeons and Dragons?
  • Does he look like he has any odd fetishes? If yes, are they compatible with mine?
  • Will he laugh or go flaccid at the sight of me naked?
  • Can he operate a weedwhacker?
  • Will he paint my toenails? With any skill? 
  • Is his voice reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino's?
  • Does his picture show him standing amongst 3 or 4 trash-covered kitchen counters?
Of course, whether you want the answers to these questions to be "yes" or "no" depends completely on your personal preferences. I only hope this little public service announcement saves someone some time somewhere.
Personally, I have gotten so adept, that just asking myself "Can I see myself blowing him?" alone is a reliable predictor of compatibility.

You're welcome.
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