Sunday, March 13, 2005

Fun With Personal Ads

(Warning! Adjust the gender of these recommendations as you see fit.)

Dateless? Bored? Lame?

Just need to see a sharp contrast between other's patheticness and your own to make yourself feel better?
Consult the personals!

STEP ONE: Browse.

Check "legit" sites like match.com or Yahoo Personals, or, if you're just dirty-minded, more sex-oriented sites such as adultfriendfinder.com. This alone will either result in amusement, slight disgust, or both.

STEP TWO: Ridicule.

In choosing a potential date, don't ask yourself those tedious, standard-issue questions like, "Does he have a sense of humor?" "Does he have a good job?" "Does he want children?"

Instead, use these infinitely more realistic queries:
  • Can I see myself blowing him?
  • Will he grow/shave facial hair at my request?
  • Does he play Dungeons and Dragons?
  • Does he look like he has any odd fetishes? If yes, are they compatible with mine?
  • Will he laugh or go flaccid at the sight of me naked?
  • Can he operate a weedwhacker?
  • Will he paint my toenails? With any skill? 
  • Is his voice reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino's?
  • Does his picture show him standing amongst 3 or 4 trash-covered kitchen counters?
Of course, whether you want the answers to these questions to be "yes" or "no" depends completely on your personal preferences. I only hope this little public service announcement saves someone some time somewhere.
Personally, I have gotten so adept, that just asking myself "Can I see myself blowing him?" alone is a reliable predictor of compatibility.

You're welcome.

4 comments:

Dr. T said...

You left "horny" out of your opening list... why else would anyone go onto Adultfriendfinder? :-)

Jessica said...

I question I would like to add:

Does he have a 'pet' name for his dick? And if so, what is it?

Ari said...

Excellent addition. Why didn't I think of that one? :)

Pip said...

I will, of course, be using this for insight in creating my DesperateHorndogs.com profile. Thank you.

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