Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Crap Products Review: Ray O Vac Batteries

This week, I had the week off, so I decided to visit a nearby state for a couple of days, namely Arkansas, to spend some time in nature. Mais oui, I took off complete with a half-eaten sack of bridge mix in my purse, but without any new batteries for the camera.

Well, since we were in the cradle of American capitalism - the home state of Wal-Mart - we had no problem finding a local Supercenter at which to purchase $1.00 green pants and sweaters as well as the needed batteries. Well, what do I do? I at first find a $6.58 pack of Duracells, which I spurn for a 94 cent, yes, 94 cent, package of Ray O Vac HEAVY DUTY, yes, HEAVY DUTY, double As.

It turns out that Arkansas, besides being the home state of Sam Walton's deviltry and razorbacks, is pretty damn beautiful in its mountainous regions, with quaint creeks flowing down into tiny valleys around every bend. Athough we were using the GPS, we manage to still get ourselves lost en route to a mountain town in which we were traveling to in order to dig quartz crystals from the earth (fun! by the way). At this detour, however, there was a beautiful lake... a perfect opportunity, I thought, to snap some photos with my freshly powered visual image capturing device. I take it out, snap one photo, and the lens retreats back into its cylindrical home like a mechanized turtle. It says, "Change the batteries." I get angry. After reading the back of the package, I discover that these cheapos are "Not suitable for high-drain devices" like cameras, toys, or possibly marital aids.

If I could return to that Wal-Mart, I'd go back to that battery display, and put a series of sticky notes next to the $ .94 price sign

$ .94 For A Reason
$ .94 Not Suitable For, Well, Anything
$ .94 Means Heavy Duty Suckage
$ .94 And Delicate Like A Flower
$ .94 Possibly Crafted In A Country Not In Full Possession of Battery Technology

Crap Product Verdict: Don't buy them.

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"Everybody makes mistakes, but it's always mine that seem to keep on stickin'." -- J. Murphy

4 comments:

Heff said...

Damn, I haven't heard the name Ray-O-Vac in years. Had no idea they still made them

Zen Wizard said...

I guess we need to define "Heavy Duty":

Ray-O-Vac batteries are "Heavy Duty" the way that bullies that have been held back two years and are already shaving in the tenth grade "de-pants"-ing the nerdiest kid on the bus is, "Heavy Duty."

To their credit, I believe that the "Ray-O-Vac" mascot is a black cat.

They TOLD you, in no uncertain terms, that your frugal choice would be ominously bad luck--we are talkin' Thomas Tryon novel, bad luck.

"Ray-O-Vac"--sounds like something that was high-tech about the time Flash Gordon was high tech. Sounds like something Don Draper came up with in 1961 after a bad dream about Martians attacking. Sounds like a product Joe Meek would write the theme song for after being the first guy in England to drop acid--oh, wait, that last one would make them GOOD...

Zen Wizard said...

The robot that makes the Word Verifications would be as good at naming batteries as the Fifties ad copywriter at Sterling Cooper was at suggesting the name, "Ray-O-Vac."

My digital camera inhales batteries the way my roommate's dog inhales teriaki beef jerky...is there a conspiracy between the digital product makers and the battery manufacturers?

Troy Camplin said...

Wow, you blog so often nowadays. :-)

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