Saturday, October 03, 2009

Not A Name Person

With any foray into a new work environment comes the gentle unraveling of the convoluted idiosyncrasies of every child of God with whom you interact. This year, I've moved to a new school, and it is so much more wonderful than I could've imagined in my old beat-dog place (as long as you don't mind slaving like an oarsman on a Viking longboat... but I guess if I did, I wouldn't have taken this job). With the exception of a few moments of stickiness with the assemblage of custodians over pencil shavings left by the 29, yes TWENTY-NINE, children I'm educating, everyone's been completely cordial. So much so, that it caused me to have to confront one of my own quirks: I'm not a name person.

After about week two, I had met most everyone and remembered virtually no names. In an effort to help me, a charismatic teacher down the hall, by way of showing me how to better learn people's names, used mine every time she saw me:

"Hello, V!"
"I know what you mean, V!"
"So, V, are you settling in?"
"See you at the meeting, V."
"How are you today, V?"
"Wow, V, your classroom looks great!"
"Bye, V!"

It was after a few days of this that my perversion revealed itself: I had previously joked with her about being great with faces, but less good with names, and I actually DID remember her name. I picked up on the fact that she was trying to help me out, probably trying to make sure she knew my name, and was hoping I would greet her in the same way, by using her name (Melissa) that I did know.

However, I'm not a person who uses people's names. I dislike mine being used, and I don't tend to say others', unless I'm speaking to a child for a corrective purpose. I'm not sure why this is, it just grates a tiny bit, kind of like people calling me "hon" or "sweetie" used to. My family never did it, I guess, I wasn't ever around it, so I don't do it.

Yet every day, I knew what she was about and why she WAS doing it, and still I refused, and even delighted a tiny measure in NOT doing it, knowing it rankled her a little that I didn't go along with her understated wish to find out if I actually knew her name, not knowing if I was clueless or stubborn.

These are the wrinkles and uglinesses of my being in this world. I delight in messing with people's heads, creating ambiguity for no purpose, and not even I can stop me.

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"Millions of mind guerrillas, puttin' their soul power to the karmic wheel."
- J. Lennon

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Men who eat gross things are great!

::tap, tap:: Is this thing on? Ahem.

Men who eat gross things are great!
Watch them lap it off the plate!
Time for oral? Don't be late, 'cause
Men who eat gross things are GREAT!


Though I can't do it myself, I do so appreciate a guy who will wolf down anything set in front of him. It's masculine and sexy, eating any lower lifeform you can get your hands on: raw oysters, sashimi, rare steak... and what not.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Preaching the Gospel


"Well, I've lost 2 pounds," the still fat woman said.

"Yeah, but the booze doesn't help," the smoker said.

In recent days, I have come to realize in vivid detail that we, each and every one of us, is preaching our own version of the gospel. Though we never want to listen to anyone else's truth, as they are not us and "don't understand," this doesn't stop us from slathering and blathering our own revealed prophecies to anyone who will listen.

Over and over again it happens - one lady stops another in the grocery store to tout the virtues of St. Ives hand lotion, I overhear someone thinking aloud about their next auto purchase and jump in, shouting emphatically, "Don't buy a Kia. I mean, do what you want, but I have a friend who has one and they're replacing the engine to the tune of $3700.00 less than a year later. Toyota, good. Honda, good." Stepping back later, I was slightly aghast: why did I launch into a diatribe that no one had asked for?

Some of us,


Dennises and otherwise, are revered for our ability to rant, just another word for emphatically shoving our beliefs onto others.

Not to get all preachy on ya, but it all reminds me of that story about the speck and beam.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Obama Scales It Back After Denny's Visit

Before you watch this, know two things: 1) I go to Denny's on a semiregular basis (although I like Waffle House more), and 2) I fit many of these descriptions. I still LOL'ed. Hope you do too!



Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Soulent Green is made from...




Here green, there green, everywhere a green green.

I have nothing against environmentalism; in fact, I was a tie dye shirt making proponent of Earth Day way back in the early '90's.

But if we want to be truly green, to go beyond the continual lip service of everything and everyone from the presidents of nations to the label on the last shampoo bottle or pack of chocolate pudding you purchased, we must become devotees of the ultimate, Supreme Being-sponsored form of recycling: reincarnation.

After all, if a toilet paper tube can be reformed from what's left and made into the parchment upon which the next great American novel is penned or upon which the photographic second coming of eighties fashion is printed, how much more can the gossamer silk of your immortal soul be carefully placed into the reincarnation bin by some cosmically conscious creator, and spun anew into something superficially more or less than it is now, and yet still with a purpose and a place?

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"We all feed the worms and trees, so don't be shy." -- Homme, et. al.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Cool Hand Easter (from funnyordie.com)

Can a man eat 50 Cadbury eggs? This video answers that question, Old West Style.

Oh, and hope y'all had a fun one!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

WRESTLING MATCH, FLEA MARKET USA




He wants this match started!

Ram Man Johnny Evans standing guard on the outside of the ring, TJ the Bull hasAND THEN THEY GO! AND THEN THEY GO!

They're goin' right back at it! They're all hitting the ring again! They're all in the ring once more! Everybody's in the ring; it's mayhem, once more! Oh my God I can't believe this; this is incredible!

Soul Man Alex G! Beating on Prime Time Daryl D! Samurai Kid getting the worst... of the situation from the Miser! Bobby Wales getting beat on by TJ the Bull Jackson! Biiiiig Baack Body Drop! Unbelievable! Big Back Body Drop!

The Soul Man sending Prime Time Daryl D for a ride! And they’re takin’ it to the outside! Ram Man working over the Miser! Power Press Slam!

OHHH LORRRD! OH MY GOD!

TJ The Bull Jackson with the bull rope! And Ram Man, they’re goin’ at it! OHHH! He takes that bull-k… that cowbell right across the head! OHHHHHHH he takes that cowbell right across the head once more!

Samurai Kid gets a cowbell! Bobby Wales with a two by four! BATTER UP! BATTER UP!
Prime Time Daryl D and the Soul Man going at it! Unbelievable!

Soul Man Alex G! Standing guard! Here he comes in! OHHH two by four! Home run! He smacks him on the fanny! Bobby Wales gets him with the cowbell! Bobby Wales trying to fight back! OHHH! Bobby Wales got the two by four! OHHH! He got it right across the head! Unbelievable! OHHH! He gets that two by four right across the back once more! Bobby Wales! Withering in pain!

Samurai Kid, in the crowd! Beating on Miser! I can’t believe this action! This is incredible!

Unbelievable! Bobby Wales swinging that cowbell! TJ The Bull Jackson with the two by four! Referee Lou Daniels and Mike Hunt on the outside of the ring trying to gain control! I can’t believe what’s going on! Everything and anything that can happen is HAPPENING! Body slammed by the Miser! Soul Man getting revenge for his brother! Ram Man holding the legs! Miser in trouble! OHHHH! What a SPLASH off the top!

Unbelievable! I can’t believe this action! Unbelievable!

Samurai Kid sitting in the ring, Ram Man Johnny Evans telling TJ The Bull Jackson, bring it on! Soul Man Alex G Not! Quite! Done yet! He still has his brother to avenge; Referee Mike Hunt in the red shirt trying to keep them separated; Bobby Wales on the outside of the ring with a cowbell,

and the Miser! Is! Out of it! Miser has no more idea where he is and TJ The Bull Jackson is leading him around! Miser stumbling like a fool! Oh, Miser, don't get in the ring; that's the wrong part of town, amigo!

Miser being led to the back of the ring by TJ The Bull Jackson, Ram Man Johnny Evans, Soul Man Alex G, Samurai Kid, and Bobby Wales all standing in the middle


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"Andy, did you hear about this one?" -- Stipe, Buck, Mills, Berry

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Crap Products Review: Ray O Vac Batteries

This week, I had the week off, so I decided to visit a nearby state for a couple of days, namely Arkansas, to spend some time in nature. Mais oui, I took off complete with a half-eaten sack of bridge mix in my purse, but without any new batteries for the camera.

Well, since we were in the cradle of American capitalism - the home state of Wal-Mart - we had no problem finding a local Supercenter at which to purchase $1.00 green pants and sweaters as well as the needed batteries. Well, what do I do? I at first find a $6.58 pack of Duracells, which I spurn for a 94 cent, yes, 94 cent, package of Ray O Vac HEAVY DUTY, yes, HEAVY DUTY, double As.

It turns out that Arkansas, besides being the home state of Sam Walton's deviltry and razorbacks, is pretty damn beautiful in its mountainous regions, with quaint creeks flowing down into tiny valleys around every bend. Athough we were using the GPS, we manage to still get ourselves lost en route to a mountain town in which we were traveling to in order to dig quartz crystals from the earth (fun! by the way). At this detour, however, there was a beautiful lake... a perfect opportunity, I thought, to snap some photos with my freshly powered visual image capturing device. I take it out, snap one photo, and the lens retreats back into its cylindrical home like a mechanized turtle. It says, "Change the batteries." I get angry. After reading the back of the package, I discover that these cheapos are "Not suitable for high-drain devices" like cameras, toys, or possibly marital aids.

If I could return to that Wal-Mart, I'd go back to that battery display, and put a series of sticky notes next to the $ .94 price sign

$ .94 For A Reason
$ .94 Not Suitable For, Well, Anything
$ .94 Means Heavy Duty Suckage
$ .94 And Delicate Like A Flower
$ .94 Possibly Crafted In A Country Not In Full Possession of Battery Technology

Crap Product Verdict: Don't buy them.

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"Everybody makes mistakes, but it's always mine that seem to keep on stickin'." -- J. Murphy

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A taste of my own medicine...



In my chosen field, I'm usually the one doling out the vocabulary lessons, but this time I'm getting one. "From where?" you may ask, and I would respond, "From the unlikeliest of places -- a fantasy novel!"

You see, I have just begun a series new to me, that of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever, by Stephen R. Donaldson (that's him over there). It's a 32-year-old series, from the first volume at least, and rather good so far! Covenant is a leper who finds himself the unlikely messiah in a magical land... that's about all I can tell you, as I've only made it to chapter six. Below is a list of the new words I've had to look up. I discovered as a result of Thomas that I don't think I own a paper dictionary anymore, and I kind of wish I did, so I wouldn't have to keep getting up from my comfy chair to look things up on dictionary.com. Anyway, the list:

1) picar - weapon (Spanish) -- This wasn't even in the damn dictionary. I had to Google it.
2) preterite - past or bygone
3) chiaroscuro - a sketch in light and shade
4) attar - perfume or essential oil
5) anile - foolish, or dottering
6) monody - tragic ode sung by a single voice
7) vertiginous - spinning or dizzy
8) atavism - a throwback

I think I've even missed a few, but I don't have time to go back and find them. I've got to go buy a dictionary.
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