Monday, January 14, 2008

Five Reasons to Quit Fast Food

1. Getting first angry, and then mocked, for not understanding the elegantly engineered system of numeration (in complete opposition to that of the standard Arabic/customer-centered system) present at a McDonald's in Irving, Texas when I was told to pull through to the second window. Starting from the ordering menu and intercom, I counted windows.... 1.... 2... A paper-hatted teenager then waved me down while I was at (by my reckoning) window TWO. "Hey! HeLLO!!!" he shouted, indicating that I should have paid at WINDOW ONE, which in this trans-fat-dealing bizarro world was apparently window two. I tried in vain to explain why that numbering system made no sense and they were all rank fools. From the way they looked at me while I was conveying this seemingly universal wisdom, I might has well have been dancing the Chiquita Banana dance with a big ol' turban full of hot-glued fruit on my head. I drove away, mystified as to how none of them had yet reached into the fryer barehanded when fries were "up."

2. Driving up to the box, perusing the menu (as if you're going to order something besides the usual 900 fat gram selection) and waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And getting more and more pissed off. And waiting. Finally driving up to the window and stating one's order as the employees, freshly hired from the Job Fairs for the Apathetictm look wanly on. ("Don't give a SHIZNIT?!?! Come work with the best!") At Taco Cabana, while trying to obtain the most delicious fresh tortillas in the Dallas metroplex, I have waited so long that I began to worry that the staff had actually been gunned down.

3. Going inside, thinking that will help, while a woman with flour-caked arms and (disgustingly) long fingernails walks around aimlessly from grill to pan o' raw chicken in flour to counter to drive thru window to grill to fryer to pan o' raw chicken in flour to the register (which she attempts to work with arms so entombed, then fails) to the counter to the register, then, and ONLY then stating, "I'll be with you in a minute" to fryer to counter to grill to chicken pan, slowly bouncing and turning like a piece of frying fowl in grease herself, to towel, where she wipes a half-inch of crusted raw chicken dripping/flour off said arms to register, where finally, unheeding of the customers' fury at her inefficiency, she drawls, "Can I help you?"

4. In Paris, I saw no fat people. In the world headquarters of the tres chic, there are no drive-throughs, and no tennis shoes either. Perhaps if we forego one, we can forego the other.

5. Having elevated triglycerides and overall fattishness so that avoiding fat is mandated by a health professional in the hopes that some of your own high fat content will melt away.

Not that I know anything about that.


random moments said...

*whew* I thought I was the only one who thought the window 1 and window 2 thing was bass-akwards.

I haven't been through drive through in a while, but a cough into the speaker or volume change on your radio should do the trick when waiting FOREVER just to give your order.

Amandarama said...

I also haven't been through the drive through in a while, but I feel your pain.

And, as another reason to quit fast food, can I throw in the ubiquitous "server/counter jockey doesn't speak the language and consistently fucks up your order and then stares at you confused when you try to point out that error". No Pedro, I did not order my coffee with sugar and cream. I never order my coffee with sugar and cream. Ask the guy manning the register next to you. He knows me. Milk.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Those are all good -- and well-written -- reasons!

But I'm still doing fast food. In fact, tonight I've got a date with a #4 combo at Church's Chicken!

Ari said...

RM: Well, I'm just saying that the window numbering system should be customer-centric. Good for you on skipping the DT.

Amanda: Oddly enough, I'd rather repeat for a second language learner than deal with a natural-born ignoramus who couldn't give less of a shit. Good for you on skipping the DT too!

LBB: Thank you for your kind words. I still like the food at the DT (I prefer Popeye's though). The people just aren't good for my anger management skillz.

Camplin said...

I feel fat just reading about fast food. I just left the fast food job! No more frying coffee for me. Yeh! I must say, just add a few character and you would have a good short story with the word smithing you did with your experiences.

Azathoth100 said...

Sorry for the trials and tribulations of the horror that is fast food places. Actually, as the God of Chaos, I think they were some of my best work.

Unfortunatly, I am here to wish you well and say farewell, I am off from the blog. It has been a blast knowing you here Ari, and I thank you for being my friend here on Blog. Take good care of yourself. Peace.


Amandarama said...

See, I find that it's less that it's an ESL thing and more of a crappy customer service thing. At least at that particular branch of Dunkin's. Most times elsewhere I don't mind repeating myself or whatever.

Dr. T said...

I agree with the short story idea. It would be fun to put yourself on the inside of the joke and tell the story from the POV of a fast food worker.

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