Bugger Off!!

Though I like owning my house, I wish from time to time that instead of in a middle-class neighborhood, that it was in the middle of a hundred-acre wood or something.

I have a crappy little bench, that needs either a coat of paint, or just to be thrown out, sitting in my front yard, fairly close to the door. You can sit on it, but it rather lists to one side. I don't sit on it for fear of causing its last day on earth in a sudden collapse, but it looks somewhat fetching sitting alongside the flowers that I usually remember to water in the bed that needs weeding.

I pull up to the homestead today, after a day of toil in which every moment was begrudged (seeing as how I AM a teacher and it IS still summer, but today there was a pesky training day that could be finished in 3 hours but took 7 just to fill up the state-required time), a bank trip that shouldn't have taken 45 minutes in the 100 degree heat, and a lengthy stint at Walmart shopping. All of this was done while wanting nothing more than to run home and fling off every sweaty article of clothing I had on. Finally, I arrive and what do I see before me but some errant youth, probably 20 or so, in a Terminix polo shirt, clutching a clipboard, SITTING on MY fucking BENCH.

I don't even get out of the car. I roll down my window like I'm at the Squatter Shooing Drive-in and shout out, "Sir? You can take a walk now!"

"I was just taking a rest; it's hot," he replies, standing up.

"Not on my property you don't!" I say, visibly agitated and wishing I had something sawn-off to go with my hillbilly-type utterances.


I just stare, incredulous, for a second.

I then wave my hand, dismissing him. "GOODBYE!!" I say, less nicely.

"Bye," he replies, and ambles on.

Oh, did I mention that I live across the street from a public park, that's full of benches, has a picnic pavillion and even a water fountain! Shade, seating, and water, all in one convenient location that I don't own.

I swear I'd build a moat, infested with a clutch of monster Louisiana swamp gators trained to scent soliciting at twenty paces, around this place if I could.

Let's see them exterminate THAT.


Azathoth100 said…
I always wanted a moat. I think they would just add class. Unfortunatly the Landlord of the apartment I live in keeps telling me no. But I do think he's weakeneing about the arrow slits and posssibly the boiling oil over the front door.
Ari said…
Ohh, to have some arrow slits, Aza. I wouldn't even use arrows, just interesting items I could find around, like day-old bread or banana peels or already-chewed dog bones.
random moments said…
The nerve! It's not a "common area" - its your yard!!

I suggest a sign that says "FRESH PAINT" to keep Terminix resters at bay.

Or maybe just a sign that says "Bugger Off!" ??
Wigwam Jones said…
Just say "Let me introduce you to my two friends, Mister click and Mister bang."

If you wish to be less, er, threatening, just decided that it is a great time to water your lawn and proceed to do so. Or paint that bench. Doesn't it need a new coat of paint? And whatever happens to be resting upon it?
Trevor Record said…
Hmm, I don't think I would care all that much if he was sitting there, but it does seem a little bit suspicious.
Dave Morris said…
Ironic that he specializes in ridding people of pests.
Ari said…
RM: I was thinkin that I am going to become one of those crotchety people who puts up a permanent, brass "NO SOLICITING" sign. I am getting older by the day.

Wiggy: I should've done all of those things. At once.

Trevor: Well, I considered that maybe I was just a bitch, except that I live VERY near a spot with shade, water and seating. Then I remembered that he was trespassing.

Dave: I know, RIGHT!!
Ari said…
BENCH UPDATE: I have decided to spare its rickety life. I painted it yesterday. It looks much better, though I don't know if it can yet defend itself from the next rude passerby.
Pure balls on his part.

Way to show him who's boss.

Damn, I didn't realize you're a teacher. What do you teach?
Ari said…
LBB: Thank you. Reading what I did in print, I feel kind of like an ass. But then again, no. It's MY house gottdammit.

In addition to wayward twentysomethings, I also school 3rd graders.

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