Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Burrito Building Code

Section 59.287 Materials used in burrito construction must be sufficient to contain bean, meat and cheese loads up to 1.78 lbs. as determined by the Texas Department of Burrito Filling Weights and Measures.

Section 59.288 Burrito construction teams (at Taco Bell, Taco Bueno, or the like) must remain mindful of the high probability that end user of said burrito will likely be snarfing said foodstuff down at speeds of 45 mph or greater.

Section 59.289 Pursuant to Section 59.288, burritos, in addition to being constructed of tortilla (or shingling) outer covering of at least .0599 inch thickness, should also be centered in a paper holding device of sufficient thickness to contain spills of superheated filling goo, should said outer covering fail. At no time should the tortilla (or shingling) outer covering rupture, pooping said goo in smelly driblets upon the user's shirt like hot, steaming, chili-flavored scat from a burrito bird.*

Section 59.290 Pursuant to Sections 59.287, 59.288 and 59.289, a minimum of 25 paper fail-safe devices (napkins) should be provided with the sale of every constructed burrito to keep burrito snarfers safe in the event of an emergency.

Section 59.291 Failure to observe Burrito Building Code ordinances may result in suspension of one's Burrito Building License and result in sanctions against one's fast food overlords, at either general or specific locations, by end users and by the state government.

* -- extinct species

10 comments:

Violet said...

Beautiful. Who enforces these regulations? Because I have the distinct feeling that there is not enough follow through on this issue!

Amandarama said...

And can we also get some adjoining legislation to govern Whoppers and Big Macs? Lot of road unfriendliness there. And yet, so hazardously tasty...

Trevor Record said...

Heh, burrito bird.

Man, I like bean burritos, but I am so bad at making them myself. And sadly, Vancouver has far fewer mexican restaurants than Dallas.

Dave Morris said...

Can someone get a copy of these rules to Qdoba?

Jeez.

Ari said...

No one enforces them now, Violet, but I think there should be licensed Burrito Inspectors. Let's complain to our local taco jefe and see if anything happens.

For that problem, Amanda, I just get them with meat 'n'cheese only. I do love me a veggie-loaded Whataburger though, and I always end up with one onion bit clinging somewhere and leaving a faint B.O. smell.

I suspect that burrito craftsmanship is far more complex than anyone suspects, Trevor.

You're welcome to print these off (or, for more creepiness, assemble them from cut out magazine letters) and address them to Qdoba's manager, Dave.

Steven Novak said...

I don't even like burritos...

I should be arrested right now.

I'm a danger to society. ;)

Steve~

Ari said...

That fact has nothing to do with innocent burritos, Steve.

Ari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gary said...

I'm thinking that after one of those gets a certain size, it shouldn't be called a buttito any more. :)

Ari said...

That's very true, Gary, but the inspirational burrito for this post was just a regular-sized one from Taco Bell. :)

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