Showing posts from February, 2007

In the Beginning

When creation'd barely got its legs
Applesauce with nuts and eggs.

Which Tree?

You scored as The Hazel. In Celtic astrology, you're a Hazel. The animal symbol that accompanies this tree is the salmon. The ancient Druids say Hazel people are creative, artistic, expressive, imaginative and perceptive. They often make good teachers. However, Hazels may be prone to being overly analytical, morose or preoccupied in their own thoughts.

The Hazel80%The Rowan80%The Hawthorn60%The Birch60%The Ash60%The Elder60%The Oak60%The Ivy60%The Reed60%The Vine60%The Alder50%The Holly50%The Willow30%
What Tree Are You? (Celtic astrology)
created with

The Burrito Building Code

Section 59.287 Materials used in burrito construction must be sufficient to contain bean, meat and cheese loads up to 1.78 lbs. as determined by the Texas Department of Burrito Filling Weights and Measures.

Section 59.288 Burrito construction teams (at Taco Bell, Taco Bueno, or the like) must remain mindful of the high probability that end user of said burrito will likely be snarfing said foodstuff down at speeds of 45 mph or greater.

Section 59.289 Pursuant to Section 59.288, burritos, in addition to being constructed of tortilla (or shingling) outer covering of at least .0599 inch thickness, should also be centered in a paper holding device of sufficient thickness to contain spills of superheated filling goo, should said outer covering fail. At no time should the tortilla (or shingling) outer covering rupture, pooping said goo in smelly driblets upon the user's shirt like hot, steaming, chili-flavored scat from a burrito bird.*

Section 59.290 Pursuant to Sections 59.287, 59.288 an…

Only in Texas 2: Iraqtic Boogaloo

Driving today (why do SO many posts start like that? I DRIVE TOO MUCH!), I saw this brilliant solution to all our Middle East problemos, articulated in seconds by a piece of sticky vinyl affixed to the back window of a pickup. I couldn't get a crappy cellphone picture in time, so I had to use my mad Paintskillz to recreate this piece of Americana for y'all.

Somewhat guiltily, I have to admit it had a certain lizard-brain, barbaric charm on some hickass level. I like to think that my cerebellum rapped the medulla oblongata (or wherever such cavewoman sentiments stem from) soundly. In any case, the thought went away. The laughing didn't, though.

Can you imagine the pacifist violence that would erupt in response to this if you were driving this truck in California or somewhere? A rock through the windshield or a lead pipe beating would be prescribed to drum up the lost compassion in your sick, Southern, Bush-loving heart.

Besides, it's not gas yet. It's just sweet, sweet…

The Ungratifying Efficiency of Internet Dating

I wink you
or you wink me
we trade some stupid pleasantry

we choose some place
at which to dine
sip bucking stars
or glug some wine

then at this dump
we laugh and smile
words flit and jump
fling pearls to swine

and swiftly then
like some black hex
you disappoint
i holler, "Next!"


Swelled cans... it's more than just the highly anticipated effect of a bust enhancement cream.*

It could be a life-threatening bacterial invasion of your earthly flesh.

It could be... BOTULISM!!

Why am I providing this public service messsage?

You see, kids, in high school, I was in Honors Biology. I had a teacher (possibly even a lesbian now that I think back on her button down men's oxford shirts, utter lack of makeup or a purse, cords, and short 'n fringy haircut even in the Big Dallas Hair era of the '80s). She went by the name of Ms. McFarland (names have been changed to protect the scientific). She had one class rule: respect.

So anyway, she taught us that we should always be on the lookout for swelled or dented cans, because they could be harboring seething hordes of BOTulism!!! We needed to worry about this because botulism causes a horrible death, you see, paralyzing bits of you until you die of death. A fatal dose of this powerful nerve toxin is ONE MICROGRAM, …