Saturday, February 24, 2007

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Which Tree?

You scored as The Hazel. In Celtic astrology, you're a Hazel. The animal symbol that accompanies this tree is the salmon. The ancient Druids say Hazel people are creative, artistic, expressive, imaginative and perceptive. They often make good teachers. However, Hazels may be prone to being overly analytical, morose or preoccupied in their own thoughts.

The Hazel


The Rowan


The Hawthorn


The Birch


The Ash


The Elder


The Oak


The Ivy


The Reed


The Vine


The Alder


The Holly


The Willow


What Tree Are You? (Celtic astrology)
created with

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Burrito Building Code

Section 59.287 Materials used in burrito construction must be sufficient to contain bean, meat and cheese loads up to 1.78 lbs. as determined by the Texas Department of Burrito Filling Weights and Measures.

Section 59.288 Burrito construction teams (at Taco Bell, Taco Bueno, or the like) must remain mindful of the high probability that end user of said burrito will likely be snarfing said foodstuff down at speeds of 45 mph or greater.

Section 59.289 Pursuant to Section 59.288, burritos, in addition to being constructed of tortilla (or shingling) outer covering of at least .0599 inch thickness, should also be centered in a paper holding device of sufficient thickness to contain spills of superheated filling goo, should said outer covering fail. At no time should the tortilla (or shingling) outer covering rupture, pooping said goo in smelly driblets upon the user's shirt like hot, steaming, chili-flavored scat from a burrito bird.*

Section 59.290 Pursuant to Sections 59.287, 59.288 and 59.289, a minimum of 25 paper fail-safe devices (napkins) should be provided with the sale of every constructed burrito to keep burrito snarfers safe in the event of an emergency.

Section 59.291 Failure to observe Burrito Building Code ordinances may result in suspension of one's Burrito Building License and result in sanctions against one's fast food overlords, at either general or specific locations, by end users and by the state government.

* -- extinct species

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Only in Texas 2: Iraqtic Boogaloo

Driving today (why do SO many posts start like that? I DRIVE TOO MUCH!), I saw this brilliant solution to all our Middle East problemos, articulated in seconds by a piece of sticky vinyl affixed to the back window of a pickup. I couldn't get a crappy cellphone picture in time, so I had to use my mad Paintskillz to recreate this piece of Americana for y'all.

Somewhat guiltily, I have to admit it had a certain lizard-brain, barbaric charm on some hickass level. I like to think that my cerebellum rapped the medulla oblongata (or wherever such cavewoman sentiments stem from) soundly. In any case, the thought went away. The laughing didn't, though.

Can you imagine the pacifist violence that would erupt in response to this if you were driving this truck in California or somewhere? A rock through the windshield or a lead pipe beating would be prescribed to drum up the lost compassion in your sick, Southern, Bush-loving heart.

Besides, it's not gas yet. It's just sweet, sweet oil right now.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Ungratifying Efficiency of Internet Dating

I wink you
or you wink me
we trade some stupid pleasantry

we choose some place
at which to dine
sip bucking stars
or glug some wine

then at this dump
we laugh and smile
words flit and jump
fling pearls to swine

and swiftly then
like some black hex
you disappoint
i holler, "Next!"

Sunday, February 04, 2007


Swelled cans... it's more than just the highly anticipated effect of a bust enhancement cream.*

It could be a life-threatening bacterial invasion of your earthly flesh.

It could be... BOTULISM!!

Why am I providing this public service messsage?

You see, kids, in high school, I was in Honors Biology. I had a teacher (possibly even a lesbian now that I think back on her button down men's oxford shirts, utter lack of makeup or a purse, cords, and short 'n fringy haircut even in the Big Dallas Hair era of the '80s). She went by the name of Ms. McFarland (names have been changed to protect the scientific). She had one class rule: respect.

So anyway, she taught us that we should always be on the lookout for swelled or dented cans, because they could be harboring seething hordes of BOTulism!!! We needed to worry about this because botulism causes a horrible death, you see, paralyzing bits of you until you die of death. A fatal dose of this powerful nerve toxin is ONE MICROGRAM, easily contained within a germ-ridden green bean or a single orange carrot disc. This, of course, became a standard high school catch phrase as my geek friends and I roamed the halls of our high school shouting, "BOTulism!!" in Python-esque fashion.

Little did we know that these japes would soon turn deadly for one unlucky freshman....

(Wait. That never happened. So I'll just go on.)

While one would not likely eat the contents from an obviously swollen and distended can of veg, the more hidden danger lay in DENTED cans. Dented cans could hide tiny perforations, she lectured, into which botulism would creep and wreak its deathly havoc within your spaghettios. By the time you'd had lunch, it would be too late, and for the privilege of getting 7 cents off at the Dented Can Clearance, you'd pay dearly -- with your LIFE.

Nowadays, of course, we actually USE botulism bacteria for such vain pursuits as poisoning and puffing wrinkles away via Botox, and, if we're of the unscrupulous warmongering ilk, for germ warfare.

Yet do I still check every blessed can, on every grocery store trip???

I do, good people. I do.

* -- Feel like I'm channeling LBB for some reason...
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