Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I Kinda Wish I Was Like That

Today between the schooling and the getting schooled, I went looking for vittles to Jack in the Box, in search of the elusive Jumbo Jack with cheese, plain, and two tacos. I'd gone to this particular one before, but I'd forgotten before that I'd sworn to myself that next time, I should go to the OTHER one a couple blocks before the one I've gotten used to going to.
Why? you ask. Well, there's one of those homo sapiens oblivians working there. You know the type. The guy who, despite being of low socioeconomic status and considerably less than dreamy looks, flirts with anyone, anywhere, any time. The guy who leans out the drive-thru to impart his philosophies on life and love with you, even though you're just a passing blur framed by a car window.
"You didn't KNOW you could substitute mozzarella sticks for fries?!" he cried to me, incredulous. "See that? You learn something new all the time! I can't believe you didn't know that!" "My girlfriend just broke up with me because her mom died! I told her I thought at a time like that you'd WANT your boyfriend around!" he enthused. (Read: Hey sexy customer babe, I'm available and I'm here for you no matter WHAT.) "Hey, she's cute!" he then incongrously hurled at me whilst looking at some distant hole-having specimen. "Too old for me, but she's cute!" During all this, I'd just kept staring ahead, or at the steering wheel. For a split second, I turned and gazed into his optimistically, obliviously blue eyes, just to be polite. He didn't care. "I wouldn't know." I said. He just kept right on, ignoring the purposeful lack of eye contact as he went on about how there was nothing wrong with it even if I did know.
He'd flirted rampantly in this exact fashion last time I was there, and I SWORE to myself that I wasn't going back there. I guess I just can't trust myself.
On the other hand though, how cool would it be to be free of ANY THOUGHT of what someone else thinks, free as a bird to talk to any person, no matter how rich, no matter how gorgeous. I kinda wish I was like that.
Later, I went into a Tom Thumb grocery store to buy some overpriced motor oil, and an old lady who was hanging around the pseudo-Starbucks inside, with a housedress, a mop of scraggly white hair and whose empty wheelchair was poised next to the chair she was occupying. Even though her head seemed like it was down, she shouted, "There's free cookies around the corner, hon!" at the exact moment I passed. Pointing strange fat girls to free cookies.... now that's being a good citizen. I kinda wish I was like that.
Still, that Jack in the Box is off the list.

Monday, November 27, 2006


I see a pink blog and I want it painted green.
I'm sorry, blogpals. I shall repair the damage as soon as I am able.
Know that, until then, your comments and your words and the time you burned here live on in my grateful heart.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

first date

it has been so long
oh, how I wanted to come up to your place for some "coffee"
but I knew that if I did
being a slave to sensuality
and my appetites
and nothing like self-controlled
i would just sit on the couch
lean in
ask you to kiss that certain place

20 minutes later
be doing the deed
your hands touching me all over

you know
THE deed
and the only thing that saves me from such a fate
is having a rule

so I have a rule
no hoeing on the first date
not with a long-handled garden tool
nor with any other appendages

because I think it's fair
to make you work just a little harder
for your journey to the center of the earth
for your rendezvous with the fertile garden of femininity
for your returning back to where it's safe and warm

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Not only is it Thanksgiving, but...

It's also THOR'S DAY!!! So eat up, drink up, and battle valiantly on the way to Valhalla.

I was going to insert a nifty Thanksgiving card here for you all, but Blogger is being a jive turkey. So you just have to imagine a lovely card with pumpkins and a cornucopia and stuff on it, that reads:

Happy Thanksgiving -- May you always have much for which to be thankful!

And underneath that in my Trebuchet hand, I've writ,
"If you're reading this, I'm thankful for you!"

And thus it is true, though it is only a vision in thy head.

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

Happy T-Day to thee and thine, pilgrims!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Four Stupid Ways I Amuse Myself

While making some Thanksgiving fudge (yeah, I know, the Pilgrims didn't have fudge at the first Thanksgiving, but damn you people and your rules), it occurred to me that I do quite a few stupid things to amuse myself. Now, from the past and present, some of these stupid ways ::drumroll::

1. Dictate to myself the ingredients and processes of making fudge as I am doing them, in survival Spanish, with the heaviest of Texas accents:
"Ponga los nway-says en la dool-say. Es mas fa-seel!" :)

2. I used to go out into our backyard and pretend to make educational films, just like the jumpy, projector driven films we saw at school, that unspooled from one 12-foot-in- diameter reel to another as the teacher dozed at the back of the room.

Of course, any time the film started to jump or skip or make that PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMPHHTPRRRPHTMTMMTMTTTTPRRRRRRRR
sound, the class noisily complained. If the film snapped in twain, the teacher was ready with a piece of Scotch tape. Try doing THAT with faulty DVDs, kids. The really COOL teachers would run the film backwards. That kicked ass in the days before the Interweb and Atari. But I digress.

Of course, I did include the stilted 50's style narration, done by a man with a crisp crew cut and black, severe horn-rimmed glasses. Now that I think about it, the average age of any audiovisual aid used in the classroom, back in the seventies and even now, is about 20 years old.

3. Loudly sing songs in a strong, British Cockney accent that have no business being sung that way, usually while driving, and sometimes with the windows open: "UNDA NEAF YOUR CLOVES THEY'S AN ENDLESS STORY!!! THERE'S THE MAIN I CHOSE, THERE'S MY TERATORY!! AND AWL THE FINGS I DESERVE, FOR BEIN SUCHA GOOD GIRL 'ONEY!!!"

4. Yes. There is that. And yeah, it would be more stupid if captioned, "Rutting Season." :)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Pigpen's Cloud: A Tale of Mixed Metaphors

Because I attend an exclusive, prestigious, private university for graduate school, I stumble along amongst long shadows stretching along the Serengeti marble halls. Rich, thin, shiny, pretty women meander past me by on their slender, Nordic, giraffean legs, and I am as a squat chimpanzee in their midst -- clever, amusing, far more able to use tools, yet not half as majestic.

Sometimes, in classes, we interact. I feel as if I travel in Pigpen's cloud, for my nails are clipped and short, and tiny continents with chipping borders appear on each finger, instead of glossy, manicured, monochromatic squares. My hair, unfashionably frizzy, is self-cut and a few weeks overdue for a $7 color out of a Garnier box. My $12 shoes have about breathed their last, as I shift about the desk in my Wal-Mart pants.

Still, maybe opposable thumbs and the ability to throw verbal poo at their mystification at crazy tables-full of statistics is worth being grotty. Sometimes.


I can't do no miracles
Even though you think I can
And I hate to disappoint you
But there's no holes in these hands.

--- D. Allan Coe

Monday, November 06, 2006


Hey folks.

This is a nonspecific teaser trailer.

Oh, there ARE posts!
OH, there are posts!
Oh, THERE are posts!
Oh, there are POSTS!

I've got a couple in the pipe, but they need polishing before I'll let 'em out.
So check back in a few. Weeks. No, days. Not hours.

Why? 'Cause my little button nose is so far to the grindstone, it's just a skeleton nose, ground down to a fine sharp point.

I'm not the one whos so far away when I feel the snakebite enter my veins
Never did I wanna be here again and I don't remember why I came.
--- G. Smack

(Hey, do you reckon that song's about HEROIN!?!?!?)

Yeah. I'm much too tired.
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