Sunday, November 27, 2005

The LWNID Hath Found A Champion



A few posts back, I mentioned The Lady Who's Not Into Dogs.

She has repeated her dramatics to the extent that now, she is my nemesis.

If I were just a shade more evil, I could secretly snap her picture and post it here on the Internet for all to see, for she traverses the very ground outside my domicile right now as I type. Thankfully, a sliver of my honor remains, and I have suffered her to power walk another day, my friends.

But that doesn't mean I have ceased to loathe her.

For she hath, in the parlance of modern-day kitchen warriors, "kicked it up a notch."

Now she walks not alone, but with a young man, some son or perhaps grandson of her lineage (I cannot logic why else a man of that age should accompany her on Sunday strolls at 8 am, although I shudder at my imagination's gibberings).

As they walk, the man carries a staff of some kind of shiny metal with purple plastic rings at intervals. Though its appearance is silly, it is about 3 feet long and and at least an inch in diameter and could be used to bruise someone about the head and shoulders, or conceivably, knock a small dog senseless. For all I know, it could be the Weapon of Doom of the Order of the Shiny Stick-Wielders Guild, since indeed, these folk are strangers to me in all else but hatred.

So a few Sundays back, I and Pip the Mostly Harmless Puggin Pup are walking along minding our own business. The LWNID and Her Champion approach. Because the Champion has apparently taken a cologne shower before walking, Pip starts sniffing the air a bit as I reel him in on the leash. I always do this so that there is NO chance he will get near her as they pass. As I'm walking past, he RAISES THE STICK ABOVE HIS HEAD, while looking down at my small, cute, member of the toy group as if he were a slavering dire wolf.

Hot rivulets of Anger Dam burst forth in some rather explosive leaks just then.

I turned around and looked at them both, incredulity in my eyes. They looked at me as if such behavior was rational and expected, in light of the fact that I was parading Cerberus himself about this park.

I continued walking, trying to keep my police record clean.

The second time I passed, he raised the stick a little lower.

I continued circling, wispy rationality barely chaining in my impulse to initiate fisticuffs with the both of them, darkness whispering to the yellow and chocolate labs who approached to rip free of their leashes and go on a rare human-mauling spree.

Finally, I decided that the LWNID is clearly crazy at some level, and the Champion is probably forcibly nagged to accompany his dotty mom on her morning exercise.

So when I saw them again today, stick in hand, I and Pip went another way.

Peace and harmony through avoidance of your nemeses, I suppose.

It's a bit early in the day for blood on the hands, anyhow.



Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thanks!!

If you are reading this, then I am thankful for you, for you are assisting in this carnival of self-aggrandizing that we call a blog.

Have a relatively safe, drunken-argument free holiday, all of you.

And try not to hate your family on the drive home. I'll do the same.

But no promises.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Perfect Shower Gift?


This is a Birth Control Pill Case, with alarm.

The red script on the packaging says, "When Timing is Everything."
Now, what I'm wondering is, just who was the target demographic for this item?

Because what this item says to me is:
"Don't forget again, you previously errant uterus."
Of course, this particular dollar store stocks only the finest deeply offensive products.
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"You put yourself in stupid places / Yes I think you know it’s true / Situations where it’s easy to look down on you" -- A. Alexakis

Thursday, November 10, 2005

This made me giggle and snort both

This is my kind of joke. It's got a third grade sensibility. And it has nothing to do with any fermented grape juice I may or may not have ingested.

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The garbage man came early today. I heard his truck from inside the house so I threw on my robe and ran outside to catch him. He was pulling away from the neighbors curb when he saw me running waiving my arms.

"Hey! Wait!" I said catching up to him. "Am I too late for the garbage?"

He looked me up and down and said, "No, jump in."

Monday, November 07, 2005

B and D




Booze and drugs!!! That's what I hit the Super Wal-Mart today for!!

Alright, fine, it was Primatene and pinot grigio.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Slackin' Today


I'm sick.

Of work, and all its accompanying flamjamzytram, so I took today off.

On the constitutional with Le Puggin this morning, I passed a woman walking with her shiny silver weights. As the puggin and I got within, oh, fifty paces or so, she began to froth at the mouth in this manner:

"notintadogsI'mnotintadogsPLEASEI'mnotintadogs!"

Now understand that this darling canine creature stands about 12 inches high at the very pinnacle of his velvet triangle ears. While he does rail against and steer the end of the retractable leash with all his might like some snuffling, furry kite, all his might ain't that much. He was nowhere near her, and I was already reeling him in.

I said nothing, but every time I passed her on the circle track after that, I contemplated "accidentally" dropping the leash, loosing a slavering, gregarious toy hound upon her.

(On the upside, now when Le Puggin annoys me, I can threaten to send him to the house of the Lady Who's Not Into Dogs.)

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Number One Way to NOT Be Badass

Is to get this in response to your teeny-tiny-little-speck-of-hope-ass email:

"I found someone. I'm in a relationship now for about 3 months. It's going pretty well. What have you been up to?"

What's the moral of this sad, sad thing, kids?

Avoid hope like the plague.

Don't listen to Jesse Jackson.

Kill hope like it was a rat-sized fire ant that burned a flag on your front lawn on the Fourth of July.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

One Way to be Badass



Is to somehow be present for a whole string of songs that are amazing, one of which was "Where Is My Mind?" by the folks above.

(Which brings up the fact that another way to be badass is to start a song's vocals with "woooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!")

This morning, I had a better idea for what this post would be about, but it slipped from my consciousness with the day's labors.

Another way to be badass is to own, and wear, a pair of smart black boots.

{One way to not be badass is to send an email to a man you haven't spoken to in some time, and feel bold and daring up until the instant you pull that "send" button trigger and it flies off into cyberspace, into that swamp of love, and you just hope your little crawdad trap of 25 words or less will pull in something nourishing.}

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It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. e. e. cummings
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