Monday, August 29, 2005

A Whisper Above The Dirty Apes (but only just)



Nothing in my power can stop the high school boys in my neighborhood from hooting at me out the windows of their cars.

I am fat and slightly old. They are young and stupid.

So they hoot. It is what they have done since time immemorial.

I imagine that Ice Age adolescents, hitching foolish rides on wayward mammoths, leered and grunted insultingly at the dumpy women of their tribes as these same women stooped and grasped for berries.

Well, it wasn't berries I was stooping for the other day as I stood on the corner while walking the pup. See, Pip had done his secondary business a bit too near to someone's yard, so at the very moment I heard the hooting, I was using a stick to flick poop into the gutter in the interest of being a marginally good neighbor (i.e. at least it's not on your grass).

So it's good that I am a whisper above the dirty apes. Because it did occur to me that some hurled dogshit smacking against the windshield, or with any luck flying into the open passenger window, would immediately redirect any defamation being flung my way. To complete the devolution, I could have jumped up and down afterward, screeching "oo!! oo!! aa! aa!" the way the cartoon monkeys do.

However, y'all can rest easy knowing that I merely entertained notions of such primitive vengeance, and that none of them bubbled onto the prime material plane.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the wide chasm between thought and action preserves my fool hide daily.

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That art is Aubrey Beardsley's, by the way.

10 comments:

Latigo Flint said...

I periodically shoot teenagers in the face... the law enforcement authorities simply slap me surreptitious high-fives and go about their business.

sarah the great and wise said...

Damn high school kids...

Azathoth said...

I would have slung the poo. Guess I just am stalled evolution. Fortunatly at 6"4' very few teenagers hoot at me. Cause I'd go gorilla on 'em.

defiant goddess said...

lol!

julie ann said...

It will always be their karma and you will always have yours.

Beyond that, Fuck them!! Stupid little shit asses.
You know it doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I was a teen!!
But last weekend I was at the lake w/ my baby (my niece - the story about swimming w/ her you might have read),, and these little bastards come up on their wave runners in a COVE going full speed only five feet from the dock.. and I'm cursing them.. and then someone comes by our dock looking for them saying these three teens are doing donuts around this swan out in the channel... I was a real jerk as a teen, but not to others, just to myself ya know,, I just showed out some.. I wasn't reckless and mean like these assholes and like you are dealing with... jackasses.. why don't they just use meth like everyone else

Tiamat said...

I say, sling the poo.

Rob Seifert said...

I too vote for the slinging of poop. Perhaps you should follow them home and tell their mothers. Now that would be amusing.

RCS

Wigwam Jones said...

I'd like some hooting at my blowfish, please.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

A pellet gun is the best defense against your wayward teen-ager.

Dr. T said...

Damn dirty apes!

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