Sunday, August 07, 2005

Summer of Hair That's Accidentally Green

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DISCLAIMER
The following post is recommended for mature viewers.
Graphic images of naked hair, Rubenesque women, and household products follow.
Consider yourself warned.
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As some of you may recall from previous posts, I've already turned my hair green once this summer, wrangling a box of Ash Blonde. Well, I've done it again. In a completely new way, even. Hence, in celebration of this odd trend of verdant tresses, I've dubbed this the Summer of Hair that's Accidentally Green, or SHAG.

It all began with a pleasant evening of night swimming at my friend Jean-Luc Picard's* apartment pool. Wanting to live in a trendy (read: gay) part of town, he pays far too much rent, enabling near, dear friends like me to make use of his, um, amenities. So I enjoy the pool, relax in the hot tub bubbles, steam in the sauna, oblivious to the danger a cheveux swirling around me in insidious, deceptive waves of uber-chlorination. In fact, except for being briefly skeeved in the spa shower when I noticed some dried "conditioner" splattered five feet up on the wall, I never realized the peril I was in.

Long about midnight thirty, I'm dressed, showered, and walking out when I catch a glimpse of a mysterious patina curling about the ends of the familiar frizz that is my hair.



Of course, I am shocked but undaunted. Diehard bleach blondes such as myself know that generally, a 2-liter club soda rinse will wash the green clean. So I trooped to the store, my relaxation morphing into annoyed ass-dragging, got home, and hit the shower with the dog staring at me and doubtless wondering why I was pouring beverages onto my head. Trouble was, it didn't work this time.




Apparently my hair had soaked up a club-soda resistant strain of green, and I still looked like a chunky mermaid who'd lost her tail somewhere. Well, shit. I wasn't about to go any fucking where now to buy chlorine-out shampoo, I didn't wanna go to bed and let it dry that way, thinking maybe I'd keep look like somethin' the sea'd rejected for a month or so, and a 1 am impromptu self-bob was right out.

After mulling these options, there was just nowhere else to turn. I appealed to a higher power: the interweb. "Mix vinegar and aspirin," some message board goddess recommended. Suspicious, I cross-referenced the remedy somewhere else. Yes, that was the sure cure. Supposedly.

Nekkid and pissy, I sought, found and mixed the components of the green-away tincture and dumped it on my involuntary highlights. Rinsed. No dice. Should you care to try it though, I advise you to secure your eyelids shut very tightly with tape, or wear goggles. Vinegar and aspirin in the eyes stings. A lot.

Dripping and irritable, I went back to the computer. This was it. If the next thing I did didn't work, I'd just have to join a band or somethin'. So I scrolled down the Fucked Hair Help Message Board some more, looking for some way outta this chlorine corner I'd backed myself into. There had to be something short of Drano that I both had in my possession and could be used to de-greenify.... and finally, the answer came: tomato paste.


I'd wager that few activities are more surreal and nasty than smearing pulverized tomatoes onto your head in the wee hours without so much as the benefit of a high blood-alcohol level. It mixes the normally mundane pursuits of eating and showering in an unholy way, transforming them into something unclean. And after you're done marinating your head in squishy spaghetti-smelling goo, watching a seemingly endless river of red-stained water flow off your body and down the drain is enough to make you feel like your last name's Macbeth.

However, there is one good thing about the tomato paste method: it worked.

I never thought I'd say this, but after this summer, I hope I never have another SHAG again.



* Fictional nombre, factual hombre
** For those of you who've been patiently waiting, yes,
I am completely nude in 3 out of 4 of those pics.
Don't you feel special that I was thinking about you in my times of trial? :)

10 comments:

Lance Manion said...

Now that's the way to start off a Monday. A little nudity, some tomatoes, and, um, "conditioner".

Thanks for coming through on the nudity, by the way. It restores my faith in humanity!

I'm glad that your hair came out okay.

defiant goddess said...

You are too cute and so fun to read. I'm glad all worked out as well.

Ari said...

I only regret that the sight of any more of my naked flesh might send people gibbering into the hills.

Ari said...

Also, there WERE more pics, but I had to fight so hard with Blogger just to get these few up that I just got all exasperated.

Rob Seifert said...

I have a both a blonde son and daughter. I'm sure these tips will come in handy sometime in the future. I'm glad it all worked out in the end.

RCS

Wigwam Jones said...

One of the many advantages of being bald - oh yeah, and color-blind. I'd be wanderin' around with green hair and I'd have no idea. I've already been complimented for being so fashion-forward as to wear purple trousers with orange shirts. Well, it didn't bother me, anyway.

I'm awfully sorry to read (and see) your green hair, even thought I can't see it myself. Mrs. Wiggy offers her condolences as well.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

SHAG, good acronym for your summer and the green hair.

I'll bet some of that hardened conditioner would have washed away the green!

Ari said...

Thank you all for your sympathy. :)

And I reckon any more anonymous commenting is right out, since I've got all the ceiling fans I can handle right now and I'm not even sure I own a prostate.

Pip said...

I don't know what you're complaining about. Tomato paste in my hair is a Thursday night ritual for me... and I'm a brunette.

Or the man version of a brunette. A brun?

Dr. T said...

Well, it's not easy being green. But I wouldn't give up on shagging quite yet... you're too young.

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